Thank you for voicing this, and being vulnerable. I love how you name things. And you name them without trying to justify why you're feeling a certain way. You just do. You don't try to placate the reader. You don't try to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. You're just HUMAN. I love that about your writing ❤️
This feels so honest and true to you, Emma. Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to books being an escape from an overwhelming reality. It’s only recently I realised I read so much as a child to get away from the very toxic home I grew up in. Even now, I read more when I can’t cope with life. I think there are a lot worse ways to numb ourselves. Sending love to you, Emma. You’re a wonderful writer and, I’m sure, a brilliant mummy.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts on your experience with presence and dissociation. I feel a lot of this deeply. I have always been “spacey” as a person with late diagnosed inattentive ADHD (and likely a touch AuDHD). As a child I was reading constantly and escaping into worlds of my own making. As a practitioner of yoga in my 20s and 30s, like you I strived to be more present and beat myself up over how difficult it was for me. Then, in my late 30s/early 40s, I had kids. I’ve found it impossible to maintain a consistent level of presence. Both kids are amazing ND humans and simultaneously reflect back those pieces of myself (and, TBH, my husband) that bring me consternation and frustration — and sometimes shame. I need breaks, and when I don’t get real life breaks, I tend to take them in my mind. And yes, I’ll eventually realize I’m floating away and pull myself back. Thanks for naming the dissociation for what it is: a survival and self protection tool. This perspective removes a layer of judgement, and helps soften that black/white tendency.
Not related and I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but I saw you comment on SENDinmama’s post about PDA. We just learned this about my son a few months ago, so I am a few months ahead in that journey. If you want to talk about it more, I would be happy to share what works.
When I don’t get real life breaks I tend to take them in my mind, I need to go think on this. Because maybe I need a real life break.
Hi Emma, thanks so much for your offer- will send you a DM. I so appreciate this growing community of ND parent writers on Substack- it’s definitely been a huge virtual morale booster.
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately too. The world is so crazy it’s easy to get overwhelmed. I love Buddhism too and attend a local meditation group where I live. It has teachers from all different lineages of Buddhism and I always feel better after being in community, meditating and hearing the teachers give their talk.
Thank you, thank you. I resonated so so deeply with this.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever considered letting my disassociation be an okay thing. I exhaled at the thought. I’ve been weigh down with so much shame for not being able to be with the deepest version of presence at all times- I’m exhausted just typing that sentence.
Also when you mentioned remembering and forgetting it reminded me of this book I’m quite enjoying called “A Primer for Forgetting” by Lewis Hyde it feels like healing reassurance for the gift and dimensionality of forgetting 💞
I need that book, I mean I think remembering and forgetting is everyone’s experience, but I am feeling that intently right now. For years, I thought my tendency to disassociate was bad. I thought the goal was to get rid of it, but as long as I remain in this body and brain of mind, it will be something I do. So, letting it be okay helped me let go of the shame.
Thank you for this beautiful and honest share. I love it because in an upside down way, being present with what is actually means allowing dissociation. Because what is, is overwhelm/burnout/fill in the blank, and the best way to care for yourself in those moments is to take a break. So what I hear is this distinction because present-moment-awareness, which it turns out is not always supportive, and presence with what is, which may lead to escaping the present moment. Is that right? That feels like a very important evolution.
I also hear you that you long for the middle path, that black and white thinking makes that hard, and I see you doing it. This writing shows that you are walking that path.
Yes, you are picking up on what I’m putting down. Being present with what is actually means allowing myself to leave the moment and take a break when I need it, and that understand has been life changing. I stopped feeling shame because I couldn’t be present all the time.
Thank you for voicing this, and being vulnerable. I love how you name things. And you name them without trying to justify why you're feeling a certain way. You just do. You don't try to placate the reader. You don't try to pretend everything is fine when it isn't. You're just HUMAN. I love that about your writing ❤️
I think I need to start saving your comments somewhere because they make me feel so seen. Thank you, thank you. I appreciate you.
I appreciate you, too 🫶🏼
This feels so honest and true to you, Emma. Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to books being an escape from an overwhelming reality. It’s only recently I realised I read so much as a child to get away from the very toxic home I grew up in. Even now, I read more when I can’t cope with life. I think there are a lot worse ways to numb ourselves. Sending love to you, Emma. You’re a wonderful writer and, I’m sure, a brilliant mummy.
I read for the same reasons as a child. I do think there are worst ways to numb ourselves. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts on your experience with presence and dissociation. I feel a lot of this deeply. I have always been “spacey” as a person with late diagnosed inattentive ADHD (and likely a touch AuDHD). As a child I was reading constantly and escaping into worlds of my own making. As a practitioner of yoga in my 20s and 30s, like you I strived to be more present and beat myself up over how difficult it was for me. Then, in my late 30s/early 40s, I had kids. I’ve found it impossible to maintain a consistent level of presence. Both kids are amazing ND humans and simultaneously reflect back those pieces of myself (and, TBH, my husband) that bring me consternation and frustration — and sometimes shame. I need breaks, and when I don’t get real life breaks, I tend to take them in my mind. And yes, I’ll eventually realize I’m floating away and pull myself back. Thanks for naming the dissociation for what it is: a survival and self protection tool. This perspective removes a layer of judgement, and helps soften that black/white tendency.
Not related and I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but I saw you comment on SENDinmama’s post about PDA. We just learned this about my son a few months ago, so I am a few months ahead in that journey. If you want to talk about it more, I would be happy to share what works.
When I don’t get real life breaks I tend to take them in my mind, I need to go think on this. Because maybe I need a real life break.
Hi Emma, thanks so much for your offer- will send you a DM. I so appreciate this growing community of ND parent writers on Substack- it’s definitely been a huge virtual morale booster.
You are so welcome. It is definitely growing and the support is so needed, it can feel like a very isolated journey.
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately too. The world is so crazy it’s easy to get overwhelmed. I love Buddhism too and attend a local meditation group where I live. It has teachers from all different lineages of Buddhism and I always feel better after being in community, meditating and hearing the teachers give their talk.
You’re welcome! I am glad your practice is supporting you, it helps me feel rooted too.
Thank you, thank you. I resonated so so deeply with this.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever considered letting my disassociation be an okay thing. I exhaled at the thought. I’ve been weigh down with so much shame for not being able to be with the deepest version of presence at all times- I’m exhausted just typing that sentence.
Also when you mentioned remembering and forgetting it reminded me of this book I’m quite enjoying called “A Primer for Forgetting” by Lewis Hyde it feels like healing reassurance for the gift and dimensionality of forgetting 💞
I need that book, I mean I think remembering and forgetting is everyone’s experience, but I am feeling that intently right now. For years, I thought my tendency to disassociate was bad. I thought the goal was to get rid of it, but as long as I remain in this body and brain of mind, it will be something I do. So, letting it be okay helped me let go of the shame.
Thank you for this beautiful and honest share. I love it because in an upside down way, being present with what is actually means allowing dissociation. Because what is, is overwhelm/burnout/fill in the blank, and the best way to care for yourself in those moments is to take a break. So what I hear is this distinction because present-moment-awareness, which it turns out is not always supportive, and presence with what is, which may lead to escaping the present moment. Is that right? That feels like a very important evolution.
I also hear you that you long for the middle path, that black and white thinking makes that hard, and I see you doing it. This writing shows that you are walking that path.
Yes, you are picking up on what I’m putting down. Being present with what is actually means allowing myself to leave the moment and take a break when I need it, and that understand has been life changing. I stopped feeling shame because I couldn’t be present all the time.