The start of something new

Introducing: How Human.

Welcome to How Human!

Are you wondering when you subscribed to this publication? Because I get it.

I decided to bury my old Substack and birth a new one because I couldn’t fit in the box I created for myself almost two years ago. I want something with a touch more freedom.

Something a little bit more reflective of me in this moment.

When I named Being in Motherhood, my husband looked at me cautiously and said, “Are you sure you want to name it that? What if you don’t want to write about motherhood?”

I laughed in his face.

Until I spent the last year not wanting to write about motherhood.

This past year has been brutal.

I am not entirely sure how to write about, so I didn’t. I wrote around it, I shared pieces, but mostly I sunk inside myself. I am glad I did. I needed time to process my own autism diagnosis, my son’s, then our combined periods of autistic burnout (which we are slowly coming out of). I also experienced a miscarriage in the middle of all that.

Grief, sadness, anger, and pain have marked this past year.

I have never in my life shied away from writing about those things before, but somethings we have to hold close before we are ready to share them with others.

I missed writing in this way (although I did write two first drafts of two different books, so yay!) I missed writing about what is moving through me. It is cathartic and I notice I feel better when I write in this way.

But my old space didn’t feel like it encapsulated all I wanted to write about. Being in Motherhood was birthed out of my desire to mother in a way I hadn’t been shown. It had been written by me (and other mothers) for mothers. It was a reflection of differing experiences of motherhood. It was quite a beautiful thing when I enjoyed it.

I started that space for me, but as most things in my life go, it turned into something for others. I focused on how I could be of service to the mother, I started building business ideas, I started to create offerings. But I didn’t want those things, I just did them because I thought that’s what other people wanted.

I only wanted to write.

I still only want to write.

I have a job a really enjoy, I am fortunate enough where I can write and not worry about making money from it (although some day I would like to). I don’t have to craft offerings around my writing or my life as a writer. In this season, I can just put the words onto the page.

As if that is simple.

It isn’t.

I think I wrote two whole novels this year because no one could see them. Because they were happening in private, I could process my confusion and grief. I also could place ownership of my big feelings onto my characters, I could feel things through them instead of writing like this.

Yet I missed this. But I have felt confused about how to do this.

What do I want to write about?

How much do I share?

How do I be honest without diving into the details of my life?

Because it doesn’t feel comfortable to be exposed in that way.

Substack has become busier, louder, fuller. I am not sure I like it. It has lost the sparkle for me. I have been exhausted by life and I have had very little space for something like this.

Yet I still want something like this.

So, I birthed something new. Something with more space. Something that doesn’t feel like a box. Something without expectations other than for me to write what I feel when I feel it.

This space is titled How Human and it holds a dual meaning.

Elena Brower

taught me the phrasing of how human. I have heard her share she learned this from Judith Hanson Lasater who has written books about non-violent communication, also referred to as compassionate communication.

How human of me to feel (then you fill in the blank).

I love this phrasing, I use it on myself all the time. It is a way to offer myself compassion when I feel something, anything really.

Anxiety pops up? How human of me to feel this way.

Anger storms in? How human of me to feel this way.

Grief washes up? How human of me to feel this way.

It brings me into relationship with myself and what I am feeling.

I intend to do that with my writing. When I write about what is alive for me, I feel closer to myself and my human experience. I remember all my feelings and parts of self are valid. I find I give them the attention they need by writing about what I am moving through in the moment.

Writing in this way is an exercise for me in self-compassion.

The other meaning of this name is sort of a dare I do with myself and something I will invite you into with each post.

How human can I be?

I think (I am almost confident enough about this to say I know, but hey I’m human) we live in a time trying to strip of us our humanity. We are overwhelmed with news, violence on our phones, trends to keep up with. It is rigged game against our attention and there is a cost to letting them win (you know who I mean).

It is an act of rebellion to feel, to experience compassion, to embrace your humanity, to see the humanity in others.

It is defiant (although it shouldn’t be at all but it is because of the culture we are trying not to drown in) to speak up against what is going on in Gaza.

It is defiant to see the humanity and suffering and say this is not okay. This is not something this country should be funding.

It is defiant to look at what ICE is doing and say this is not okay. Children (toddlers even, it’s fucking heartbreaking) should not be pulled away from there families and having to defend themselves in court.

Part of me cringes writing these things, part of me wants to add some sort of caveat and say my posts won’t be politic. I mean they won’t, I won’t be breaking down politics.

But I will take the opportunities to highlight how what is happening all around us is not okay. How the injustices are deliberate ways to strip us of our humanity. I will write about that.

Because this world wants out silence. It wants our compliance. It wants us to keep going with the status quo. It is functioning as it is because people are afraid to speak up (and all the money and power being in the wrong hands).

They win if we forget our humanity.

We create change when we remember we are one human family.

We create change when we remember we are human and make mistakes.

We create change when we practice compassion for all beings.

We create change when we speak out against injustice.

This space is about highlighting what makes us human. The things we need more of to survive as a species: empathy, compassion, love, joy.

Being human means giving those things to ourselves first. Practicing those things with ourselves, filling ourselves up with compassion and empathy so we know how to give it to others.

So often we are willing to extend understanding to other people, but shit on ourselves. Both are needed. Compassion for ourselves, compassion for others.

This space is an exploration of what it means to be alive in this moment for me (I will write from my lens, my life, my experiences) and I will come back to the universal connection to all things. I will write about how being with what is is medicine in and of itself. Even when things are fucking shit.

Because looking directly at things helps us heal and grow. This is not a space where we turn away from suffering, discomfort, or pain. It is a space where I will do my best to stare right at it and dare to myself and you, reader, with the question of, how human can we be.

This is space about our shared humanity.

This is a space about navigating my own humanity.

This is a space where I write from all the differing, sometimes waring, parts of myself.

This is a space with a dare and an invitation - how human can I be.

How human can you be?

I truly think the fate of everything depends on it.

I hope you’ll join me on this ride.

Emma

Welcome to How Human, I’m human, autistic, a writer and a mother navigating different parts of myself while trying to live a full creative life. I believe offering ourselves compassion for being human is where great change begins.

If you want to support my work, I invite you to buy me a coffee.